Since the post pandemic era I noticed that the number of ladies who has given their lives to Christ had increased in my church. You keep seeing different faces every Sunday. I advised myself instead of looking out for them in Court, market place or jabi lake I rather go after them in church and also pray to God. Two birds, one stone.

There is this particular one her face looks Akwaibom but her legs looks igbo. I was not certain if she had given herself entirely to Christ atlest judging by how she dresses to Court but who am I to judge her. She caught my attention because of her complexion, height and body structure in addition to her gap toothed dentition.

I observed for the three sundays I have seen her that she has a particular side outside the church she likes sitting whenever she comes to church.

Bearing that in mind I decided today is the day we either talk or I forget about it. I took a seat at her angle upon coming to church early even though there were still vacancy in the main church. I placed a newspaper I came to church with on the seat beside me in case for any reason she comes late and not able to find a space. I was prepared for her both physically and spiritually.

Mass started and just like I predicted she had not arrived. I kept asking myself why is it today I made up my mind to approach her that she will not show up. I had also rebuffed attempts by some persons to seat in that seat reserved for “my coy mistress”. We were at that point of “I confess to almighty God” when she walked in, looking elegantly and started approaching where I was. My confession must have been heard I thought to myself.

Many would not approve of her choice of outfit bearing in mind how skimpy and revealing it was. Eyes were rolling,necks were bending, heads were turning but mine did not as I was staring at her eyeball to eyeball. I even said my Amen before other persons. Noticing she was trying to search for a space with her eyes, I quickly removed my newspaper without saying a word and she immediately took the seat as if we had similar intentions.

Even though my plan had worked, I was not very comfortable because eyes were on her for wrong reasons and seeing our sitting arrangement one may conclude I came to church with her.

There was a lady/woman by my right hand side who from her looks you cannot tell if she is old or young. She couldn’t hide her feeling. “Negodu ife mmadu yi abia uka, etua ka fa si acho ndi fa na alafu, mtchew” (Look at how someone dressed to church, that’s how they look for people they mislead)I heard her talking to myself. I minded my business as if didn’t hear her. My concern was not to allow her feeling affect my interest.

I had carefully planned on how to start a chit-chat with her when the cathecist starts making announcements with the hope of taking it up from there.

Communion time came and she went to receive as well as other persons. The “old model agbohobia” beside me started cursing her again in a low tone. This was still happening when my model looking would be friend started returning to her sit. Few distance to her sit she missed a step and fell.

Fortunately for both of us she fell on me, but unfortunately for me her wig convered my face, with some entering my mouth which was wide open without my knowing it. I noticed my hand was revolving round her waist and lap in attempt to have a firm grip of her in other for her not to fall on the ground.

I would have loved to be in that position for a long uninterrupted time but for the stench oozing out from her wig and directly going to my nostril. For the first time I appreciated the importance of wearing a face mask which I was not properly putting on at the time.

Like our people use to say “Nwoke adiro eji na oyi ya nwanyi amaka, jiri mkpuru amu ya tuolu tipper break”( a man cannot because of his beautiful girlfriend use his testicles to hold a heavy duty vechicle). I had to release my grip on her so as to save myself.

Since no one was sure if she fell as a result of an arrest by the holy spirit or because of her high heels, the doubt was enough reason to distant myself from her in the event the reason for her fall was the former, so as not to be arrested as well. The church ushers came to her aid with a wrapper because the “breeze” was too much for people to only see the fowl bum bum as it is common knowledge “na ikuku kuo, afu ike okuko”.

The lady/woman by my right hand had a long last laugh. She really enjoyed herself. Perhaps she was vindicated. I am certain nobody can convince her otherwise that it was the hand from the most high.

I got home only to discover one of her ear rings in my breast pocket.


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